Erotic Initiation and Passage

Erotic inititaion, the almost magical experience of moving into erotic territory never before explored, contains unique elements of power and vitality. These are erotic happenings in a class by themselves, often felt and remembered more keenly than any others. Psychologically, erotic initiations are formative experiences that powerfully shape much of our subsequent erotic development. Whatever the ingredients of our individual processes of initiation, whatever the trappings that were present at that time, whatever the circumstances, the dangers, the people, the setting — even details like the time of day, the weather, an article of clothing, a smell, a fragment of music, the color of our partner’s hair, the form of their body — all of these become eroticized for us, often forever, by the supreme intensity of the moment of erotic emergence.

When we think of erotic initiation, most of us turn immediately to our first experiences of sexual intercourse, since our culture so powerfully defines this as the primary distinction between initiate and novice. But even if we narrow erotic initiation to sexual initiation, there is more to be considered than when we first have intercourse. What about the first time we seriously enter the realm of sexual feeling with a partner, whether or not this involves intercourse? What about the first time we experience sexual feeling in ourselves, whether or not this involves a partner? What about the first time we feel that deep inner sense of liquid movement, the first time we are aware of an erotic quickening, whether or not this has anything to do with sex?

As we become more experienced and hopefully more developed as sexual and erotic beings, there are other erotic initiations as well: the first time we play with our partner in a new way; the first time we experience orgasm; the first time we experience a new depth or quality of orgasm; the first time we explicitly act out a long-cherished fantasy; the first time we use a new sex toy — or any sex toy at all; the first time we find ourselves, for reasons we may never understand, in a corner of the erotic garden we have never visited before, perhaps never so much as imagined; the first time we drop to a deeper level of surrender and psychic nakedness than ever before; the first time we open ourselves to a new sexual partner; the first time we open to a new community of partners, people we previously considered off the erotic/sexual map — perhaps people of our own gender, perhaps people significantly older or younger than ourselves, perhaps people we previously considered unattractive or undesirable, perhaps people of a different ethnic group.

Erotic initiation need not be a one-time, two-time, or three-time experience; it can be a continuing and recurring aspect of erotic development and discovery. The universe of sexual and erotic possibility is immense. There is no danger of running out of territory to explore, if we choose to make ourselves available to the wonder and the uncertainty of engaging the unfamiliar.

In a society such as ours, terrified of the full power of erotic potential, we are encouraged to be as narrowly and unimaginatively erotic as possible. We are exhorted to find a comfortable erotic niche for ourselves, a tiny corner of the vast erotic wonderland, and to be content to spend all of our erotic life within that miniscule clearing. Indeed, we usually feel grateful to have any place of erotic expression at all.

No wonder so many couples become bored with their erotic connections after a few years, or even a few months. No wonder so many individuals lose their sexual appetite altogether, wonder vaguely how the youthful fire and wonder evaporated, or surreptitiously seek new partners to rekindle a feeling of erotic adventure and discovery.