Island Living 80: Why Sarah Palin Said Yes by A. D. Coleman

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I don't want to argue Sarah Palin's merits (whatever they may be) and demerits (which you should feel biting you on the ass). I think that, for better and for worse, they speak for themselves, just as she does.

Instead, I want to respond to what I think is the truly, deeply dumb question asked by both her foes and those who initially enthused about her but then started to see her glaring flaws and failures and problems: Given the short notice she got, her lack of national-level experience and expertise, her frequent inarticulacy, her deep parochialism (in all senses of the word), her wayward teenage daughter Bristol with an illegitimate "fuckin' redneck" bun in the oven, her newborn special-needs Down-syndrome son Trig, the looming Troopergate investigation, her blessing by the bizarre Kenyan witch-hunting Bishop Thomas Muthee, and other problematic matters that she might better have left hidden, matters that require considerable and urgent attention, why did she accept McCain's invitation to join the Republican ticket — especially when there's a strong possibility that they will go down to a resounding defeat in November?

Her detractors, whether eager or reluctant, have projected her as a victim in this regard, naively and unwittingly seduced into a course of action that put her "Clearly Out Of Her League," as right-wing media-elite columnist Kathleen Parker phrased it bluntly in calling for her to resign. How could Grandpa John McCain have been so cruel and selfish as to push this poor dear into the headlights?

The answer: She didn't get pushed. She jumped. She jumped at the power. She jumped at the money. She jumped at the signing-bonus package of perquisites and benefits.

Think about it.

Start with the fact that her acceptance and nomination, and the campaign, will all have taken place within a condensed two-months-plus-one week period. As a result of that brief investment of her concentrated time and energy (salaried throughout by the state of Alaska, I might note, with all expenses for herself and her family covered either by Alaska, the RNC, or her well-wishers), she will emerge with the following even if she and Gramps get trounced come November 4:

• An instant and permanent place in national history as the first female Republican nominee for the vice-presidency and only the second female major-party nominee for the vice-presidency.
• Secret Service security protection, full medical coverage, and the very best medical care for herself and all her immediate family through the election.
• Permanent lifetime celebrity status and name recognition for herself and all her immediate family.
• A guaranteed million-dollar book contract for her story, with the possibility of more books thereafter.
• Guaranteed five- and six-figure lecture fees for the foreseeable future.
• Long-term power and prominence in the Republican party, and in national political life generally.
• Fundamentalist Christian legitimization of her daughter's illegitimate baby on the grounds that her errant offspring "chose life."
• Immediate credibility as a national-level spokesperson for "special needs" children.
• And the guarantee that she can return to Alaska to serve out her term if they lose — job security during this short-term, intensive diversion of her attention from her obligations as Alaska's governor.
• Plus financial support thereafter from GOP and fundamentalist sympathizers who will see to it that she, the "First Dude," and the rest get very well taken care of henceforth for their pains, thank you very much.

Should she and McCain win, she'll get all of the above plus:

• Four years in the White House for herself and her family — the best medical coverage in the country, free housing and food and drink, total Secret Service protection, all the perks and bennies of the office.
• A salary of around $200K a year while in office, plus a pension between $35K and $60K per year thereafter, depending on length of service and other factors.
• Credit for saving the Republican campaign this year from what many otherwise anticipate as a train wreck of major proportions.
• Credibility and stature in the GOP as the youngest Turk positioned to continue the "Reagan Revolution."
• Shoo-in status for their next nomination for the vice-presidency should McCain run for a second term, and their next nomination for the presidency should he bow out.
• Four years of the highest possible visibility in which to build herself a power base for a subsequent run at the presidency of her own.
• The high statistical likelihood that she won't even have to run for that office because McCain might well die in it and leave it to her.
• Her son Trig and her illegitimate grandchild starring in the Easter Egg hunt on the South Lawn.

So what John McCain held out to Sarah Palin on August 28 in his Arizona home (one of his 7 or so houses) was an instant-win lottery ticket worth multiple millions in cash, with payments spread out conveniently over the years to come, plus prestige, name recognition, and influence for the rest of her life — the chance to leapfrog from a remote regional stage that has served no one as a springboard to the international arena, in one short hop.

All that for two months of her time and, at worst, a thorough scouring by the media, assorted embarrassments for herself and her kindred, and the possibility of dismal, even abysmal failure on November 4. At best, an even bigger pot of gold. Hmm, let's see . . . two difficult months and then a major bonanza. A major bonanza versus two difficult months. Which is better for me? Which is better for my family? Which should I choose? Which would you choose?

And if someone held out to you a guaranteed winning high-stakes lottery ticket, even if you knew in your heart of hearts that you didn't deserve it, exactly how would you rationalize to yourself and others a decision not to take it anyway? Would you be smart enough not to bite a hand so willing to feed you so well?

Of course she "didn't even blink" when the desperate McCain reached out to her for help with a campaign otherwise dead in the water. Are you kidding me? The Republicans and the radical Christian right will owe her forever for saying yes.

And that's why she winks at us, same way she winked at John McCain in February at that governors' gathering in Washington, you betcha. Doggone it, no pretty woman had winked at the old boy in way too long, which explains how he happened to remember her from that meeting. She winked at him same way as she winks at whatever admirer filmed her when she finished playing her flute at the 1984 beauty contest. Sarah Palin has been winking at men ever since she found out in her early teens that it got her somewhere, goldurn it, and just look at her now. She's made the big time. She's hit the jackpot, bless her heart, and she knows it.

Next question.

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© Copyright 2008 by A. D. Coleman. All rights reserved.
By permission of the author and Image/World Syndication Services,
P.O.B. 040078, Staten Island, New York 10304-0002 USA.